Carolyn (Beem) Smith
Independence, Missouri
"COME SEE A MAN WHO TOLD ME ALL THINGS I EVER DID"
John 4:29
"I passed by you and saw you struggling...I said to you...Live!" (Ezekiel 16:6).I grew up as a third-generation Reorganized Latter Day Saint (RLDS), my folks gathering to Zion (Independence, MO) a year before I was born. This seed of my beginnings grew roots in a soil tilled with grief, as I will now explain: When I was three my older sister died of a brain tumor—the fourth child to die of the five that were born to my parents (I was the youngest). The losses were unspeakably sad, and in my three-year-old mind it was my responsibility to diffuse my parents' grief. Furthermore, I was to guard a trunk full of these children's belongings (which I did for the next forty-some years). My father couldn't help that he responded to the grief by secluding himself to the shallow dirt basement of our home, sometimes for several days at a time. For the rest of his life he remained emotionally distant to hide his pain. He developed an enlarged heart after my sister died and didn't work for about a year. He took care of me while my mother made the family living. I remember the terror that continually swept over me. I didn't know why I felt this way; I just knew I was terrified. When my mother was able to quit working I would not let her out of my sight. This was my early life as a child of Joseph Smith followers: terror-struck and smothered by a heavy blanket of grief.
My mother sought refuge in the RLDS church activities, with me shadowing her every move. Becoming a part of the church group helped. But extreme shyness caused me to turn my feelings of heaviness and terror into self-destructive behaviors and a ‘devil may care’ attitude. I was a very troubled child who became a troubled, impulsive adult. For years I had flashbacks of foreboding terror which were minimized only by impulsiveness. I am certain I was prayed over by well-meaning people, but I now believe they were praying to the wrong god. If my mother (an adult convert to RLDS) hadn't read Bible stories to me I would have heard little about Jesus and the Bible. The RLDS preachers would speak "under the influence of the spirit" which became a regular occurrence and felt very natural to me. Reacting to one's emotions and to one's feelings (rather than responding according to God's Word, the Bible) was the way of life for my family and my church kin. And, though I didn't remember Bible scriptures being taught, I certainly knew the hymn, "Work for the Night is Coming." The people believed in working for the “cause of Zion: Latter Day Israel,” an “all things common” community to be established in Jackson County in preparation for the Lord's return.
“A wise woman builds her house, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands” (Proverbs 14:1). Between the ages of nineteen and twenty-three I disavowed Christianity, not just Joseph Smith's version. I married my college sweetheart, and life might have continued this course if my mother hadn't died after she suffered a short illness. Her death occurred just ten days before my second child, my son, was born. Unresolved childhood issues came back like a nightmare that wouldn't leave, and in my grief I turned back to the RLDS church for support. The people were always eager to embrace me. As my relationship with the church grew I asked questions about early Joseph Smith history which had several conflicting origins. The church people's response was, “Don't question. just believe.” This was another part of my inheritance, to not question, just believe. My husband was not interested in church, so these matters didn't concern him. Years passed, and I stopped questioning as I clung to the RLDS fellowship. In the late 1970's I noticed a division between the liberal and fundamental theologies which people professed. My children and I started attending a large fundamental RLDS congregation ("fundamental" meaning that people adhered to certain parts of Joseph Smith's teachings and history). I became a fanatic as the leaders experimented with mysticism and "mediums" (as mentioned and condemned in Deuteronomy 18:11 and other Old Testament scriptures). They believed they were acting according to God's will. By fall of 1981, I felt I had experiences in which I was instructed to divorce my “un-RLDS” husband. My marriage of nineteen years ended, which was a heart-wrenching event for my family. Though I hadn't known the story of the Samaritan woman (John, Chapter 4), I later realized my life would resemble this woman's life, that is, before she met Jesus.
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked”(Jeremiah 17:9a). I became involved in one of the RLDS ministries in which New Age theology was abundant. While involved I had a satanic encounter in which I seemed to be the center of the target. I was prayed over by well meaning people, and my initial fear was replaced with the thought that I had accomplished the supernatural. I felt a greater bond with my church kin who’d had similar experiences. I didn't realize those “familiar spirits” (Leviticus 19:31 and other Old Testament writings) were much too familiar. I was married again in June of 1983 to an RLDS deacon. I thought this marriage would bring more stability to my family. But things soon changed. The church went through a huge splintering into many small factions in 1984. For a year or so one of the factions met in our home. Our leader was a very persuasive speaker and had a way of drawing people to him. At the end of this time my youngest daughter had a serious accident. The accident brought forth evidence of gross misconduct within that group which caused my daughter and me to leave their fellowship. This meant we had to leave our home. Chaos followed for several months while my youngest and I scrambled to get our bearings. My second husband chose not to leave the group and divorced me in September of 1986.
“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill and to destroy”(John 10:10a). I felt like a kite cut loose: no marriage and no place “in Zion” to call home, but still so much confidence in the Book of Mormon. I had recurring experiences that made me feel like an angel was standing over me while I studied the Joseph Smith materials. My beliefs were like torn rags that didn't fit together (the tail on the end of the kite!) Just a couple months passed after this divorce when an RLDS elder took my youngest and me “under his wings.” This third marriage turned sour quickly, and another divorce loomed on the horizon. I considered myself a “splinter-RLDS” (now called Restorationist), but I did not fit in with any of the church groups. Unbelievably, I was “rescued” again and married for the fourth time in December, 1988. My finite mind thought the mysterious god with whom I'd grown up was going to deliver me from all my problems through marriage “to the right man.” I didn't know the infinite God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob would soon be my Deliverer! My fourth husband visited the Restoration church services but was offended by their teachings. He did not profess to be a Bible scholar, but he could tell they were not preaching completely from the Bible and he refused to visit again. “I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly” (John 10:10b).
“Call to me and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things which you do not know” (Jeremiah 33:3). I hung on to the Restorationists' teachings but gave up trying to be a part of them. In the fall of 1991 I was so desperate for a church home that I agreed to let my husband pick a church to visit. God had a surprise for me at that first evangelical Christian service. There stood a young missionary and his family who were home on furlough from South America. Their work was to expose the false teachings of pseudo-Christian cults to South Americans who were being proselytized by Mormons. This missionary made the same presentation at the church we visited. Energized by anger, I let the missionary have a piece of my “Book of Mormon mind.” He kindly pointed me to the Bible and to resources regarding the belief system in which I had been reared. I was determined to “call his bluff” when I began my studies, but I immediately began to read with new understanding when I opened an authorized version of the Bible (not Joseph Smith's “Inspired Version”). I even understood the other biblical reading materials I was furnished. I was so excited by being able to understand what I read, and a beautiful peace fell upon me, especially the more I read that Bible! “For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit and of joints and marrow and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the hear” (Hebrews 4:12).
“And I will establish My covenant with you. Then you shall know that I am the Lord, that you may remember and be ashamed, and never open your mouth anymore because of your shame”(Ezekiel 16:62 & 63a). I had a habit of studying early in the morning at the kitchen table. One dark morning as I was reading in the Book of Hebrews I read, “For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews Chapter 4:15-16). The words jumped from the page—especially “High Priest”, “mercy” and “grace”—and my soul was pierced as I began to realize the depth of my sins and how much I needed to repent and seek forgiveness. Here was Someone who could not only sympathize with me but could also save me! I confessed my sins, and my heart cried, “Yes, Jesus, You are the High Priest I've been looking for. Come be my Savior!" And He did! In a moment He also showed me how His Word (as contained in the Bible alone) could be studied like a diamond in the light. He showed me how the beautiful truths of His Word would shine forth whatever help I needed. All of this because He had placed His Holy Spirit in me, the moment He saved me! “So shall my Word be that goes forth from my mouth; It shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it” (Isaiah 55:11). I knew in an instant that I must forsake all Joseph Smith history and materials, that I must study the Bible as God's inerrant, authoritative Word. He also showed me that the church family for whom I was seeking was there at the foot of the tree (the empty cross where Jesus was crucified) and that this tree was my “family tree,” evidence of my new roots established in the fertile soil of His Word! For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek. For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith: as it is written, 'The just shall live by faith'.” (Romans 16:17).I was baptized in an evangelical Christian church on Easter, 1992, and the congregation sang, “We're Marching to Zion!” (the Zion of the Bible—Heaven—the city of the living God—Hebrews Chapter 12:22!) “He brought me to His banqueting table, and His banner over me is love!” (Song of Solomon 2:4).
“I am the Lord who healeth thee” (Exodus 15:26), for, “By His stripes we are healed” (Isaiah 53:5-6). Over eleven years have passed, and I am replacing my “don't question, just believe” attitude with God's Word (as contained solely in the Bible), keeping close communion with Him and staying in fellowship with other believers. A year or so before I began my studies, my oldest daughter and her husband had “come out” of Joseph Smith’s teachings and became believers (Jesus came “ to seek and save that which was lost” – Luke 19:10). I thought they had little influence on me as they lived a thousand miles away in Pennsylvania. But they had been praying, and God answered their prayers! All three of my children are now heirs of His Kingdom, my youngest daughter being saved a little over a year ago. They love the Lord and they love His Word! I am so blessed! My son, John Milholland, has posted his testimony, “Grace Accepted,” on the Refiner’s Fire Ministries website, help4rlds.com. Others of my family and friends have been saved since then. For each I pray and believe Psalm 37:23-25: Through His Word I have found that “though we may fall we will not utterly be cast down, for our steps are ordered by Him. He will not let our children or our children's children beg for bread” (His Word), but He will satisfy them with it's living truth!
I thought it was my lack of Bible knowledge that kept me from knowing who Jesus is (that He is God and He is my Savior). But my desiresfor carrying on my family's religious traditions had to become less than my desire for the true Word of God. I had to desire Jesus above everything the world had to offer,“The lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life” (I John 2:15-16). I had to ask unwaveringly so that He would give me that desire. He said in Luke 12:32, “It is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.”
“For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is a gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship,created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them”(Ephesians 2:8-10). In writing this testimony I have endeavored to do the good works God created me to do: shining God's light into the dark pit into which Satan had cast me while being involved in the Joseph Smith movement.
There's an acronym, “FAITH.” This is used in witnessing among some evangelical Christian churches, and means, “Forsaking All I Trust Him.” The reality of what this means has been a big part of my growing in Jesus. Like all sin, my sins—though forgiven by my Gracious Lord—have caused consequences that I face on a daily basis. It has taken time for me to relinquish my impulsiveness and other aspects of my old sin nature to the Lord. He convicts me and tells me to rely on Him every day, and I have to saturate myself with His Word to keep reprogramming my mind. As I grow in Him I pray His promise that He will “Restore the years the swarming locust has eaten” (Joel 2:25), “swarming locust” being my sins.
I realize that many in the Mormon, RLDS (Community of Christ) and Restorationist churches have not had the experiences I've had nor made the mistakes I've made. I believe they are desiring to make a positive impact on their community, and that their efforts are honest. But out of love and concern I would say the following: they must examine their roots—Joseph Smith's dubious history and the doctrine he taught. This permeates every effort they make “for the cause of Zion.” They should ask, “for which Zion am I striving?” Better yet, they should ask, “Which Jesus am I serving?”
Pseudo-Christianity is really NO Christianity at all. Instead, it is another religion that broadens the path to destruction. I am remembering how Jesus took a whip and drove the money-changers, the sellers and their animals out of the temple and turned over the money changers' tables (John 2:15). He did this because they were desecrating God's temple. His temple is now built up of those who have been saved by grace through faith. His church exists on earth among all believers. Jesus Christ is the Living Stone and Chief Cornerstone upon which we are living stones, a spiritual house, a holy priesthood (I Peter 2:4-5). This spiritual house has as the foundation the apostles and prophets of the Old Testament (Ephesians 2:20). The rock of revelation upon which this temple is built is God’s Word revealed: that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God (Matthew 16:16-18). Adding to His pure gospel as given in the Bible is the same as selling wares in His temple and making the gate wide and the way broad. Jesus plainly said that the gate is narrow (Matthew 7:13-14), and there are few who find it. Are the Mormons/Community of Christ members/Restorationists (and all other Joseph Smith followers) part of “the few” or are they part of those on the broad path to destruction? The answer is in the Bible, not in a fable of which is spoken in II Timothy 4:3–4, “For the time will come when (people) will not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers; and they will turn their ears away from the truth, and be turned aside to fables.”
Genesis 50:20 is the heart of my story: What was meant for evil God used for good. The conclusion is: “For the Lord God will help me; therefore I will not be disgraced; therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I will not be ashamed” (Isaiah 50:7). The epilogue is Psalm 126:1–3, 5 & 6, “When the Lord brought back the captivity of Zion, we were like those who dream. Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing ... Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.”
Carolyn (Beem) Smith
(816) 718-6599
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